those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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