i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
