Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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