I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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