Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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