Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
