god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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