Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
