I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
