I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
