I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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