I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
