i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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