Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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