Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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