Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
