so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
