Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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