i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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