i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
