If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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