So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
