life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
