Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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