I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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