i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
