I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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