why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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