Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
