And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We need a shit load of segways right now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
