All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
