just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Blood and glitter go together right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
