It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
