I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
