I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
