just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
