I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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