You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I supernannyed him into submission
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
