well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
