It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
