I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
