If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
