And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
