my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Green mimosas i think yes
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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