Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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