I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
