Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
