Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
