lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
