bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
