Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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